Worth it Clan

Here I am at the beginning. Just kidding, there is no beginning. Not really. Our journeys take many turns and twists, but there really isn’t a beginning, not a traditional one at least. Life just isn’t something wrapped neatly in a box. Nor is it a straight path, but a journey filled with dizzying heights, breathtaking dives, harsh realities, sweet love, and turns that can be anything from slow and easy to giving you whiplash. So this is definitely not my beginning, not really at all.

I am where I am. I have worked so hard through the tears, fears, and doubts to get where I am today but I know I still have more to go through, maybe even for a second time. But I am so proud of how far I have come.

I was diagnosed with PTSD, or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder accompanied with Dissasociative Amnesia when I was about 20 or so. Due to sexual abuse from a very young age and subsequent physical, emotional, and domestic abuse even after the sexual abuse stopped when I was 13. I literally have no memory of before I was abused because I was so young when it started.

I had panic attacks, bouts of depression, anxiety, crippling nightmares, and even self harm.

And I never looked the part.

I certainly don’t now! I am a 37 year old Married Mother of 4 beautiful children. I go to church every Sunday, because I love it and I want to teach my children about God, that He is our loving Heavenly Father.

Because even in my darkest times, even at my worst, I could still feel His presense protecting me from even darker evils, even more pain.

So yes, I am a survivor, I have a beautiful family, and I want to teach them about God.

I can’t promise i have it all together. I still have ups and downs but hopefully I can offer some light to someone else dealing with the hard stuff.

My clan is my strength. my clan is my family. words cannot express the feelings of appreciation and motivation I feel when I look at my husband and children.

they gave me that motivation even before I’d even met them.

my clan is where I am safe. they push me to greater limits in so many areas, and love me more than i can yet realize, and I treasure them. i work as hard as I know how and then some, just for them.

 

I had a dream last night, it was rough.

My dreams are interesting in that they can be unusually intense emotionally.

for example, last night I dreamt that I was walking around a large home with extended family. some of the  cousins my age were there, as were my parents. They were walking around giving tours of this lovely large home. I simply couldn’t go where my parents were. very simple.

There was this huge and intense feeling of anger and pain. So much so that it was overwhelming, debilitating, all consuming.

I woke slowly and uncomfortably, all I wanted to do was cry. The anger was gone but the sadness has tried to permeate every aspect of my life today. Deep despairing sadness.

*now for those who are trying to or are interpreting my dream, I assure you, I know exactly what it meant and why I had it. but even knowing that doesn’t make it easy, simplicity does not equal ease.

And then I had to get up and get my children breakfast and ready for the day. I need to get chores done and do our schoolwork. I have many obligations and responsibilities to take care of.  And guess what? I can. Its hard sometimes, but that doesn’t mean its impossible.

Even when my heart and mind are hurting from unresolved pain and trauma, I can still function, maybe not on my highest level, but I can still show up. and I do!

I try really hard NOT to stuff it down, to NOT push it further down the road. When I feel like this I give myself grace, I acknowledge where I am, what I need to do, what I can and cannot do, and I breath. Then I do what I can do. especially what I MUST do.

I MUST take care of my children. I MUST take care if myself. (somes the order is reversed)

and now, I MUST share what I can and do what I can to help others.

…and now I think I will have some hot coco with a cookie, then figure out a way to take a long hot shower!

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton